I was raised on a music journalist content farm. So here is a 200-word history of Lethal Bizzle’s career. He begun as one of More Fire Crew, a male version of The Faders: all invigorating youthful energy and a total lack of any competence. He then recorded “Pow!”. This was meant to be the musical summation of the social tensions and unrest that existed in the mid-2000s, but now stands a lot less evocative of the sound of 2004 than, say, “Put ‘em High” by Stonebridge. He had a shot at a pop career after this, which saw him flip the same Spinners sample that Abs from 5ive had used on his debut album three years prior, and somehow made a shittier stab at it. Then came grindie and a period of time where he was the token black man for hire for some of the worst guitar bands of the 2000s: Babyshambles, The Rakes, yourcodenameis:milo. He went on to play the Download festival, for some reason, before returning to the bosom of Channel U. What I’m saying is that, throughout every single musical nadir of the past decade, Lethal Bizzle has been present. He’s like the Zelig of crap.
Since Mensch had the decency to resign before we got round to her, Dan Hannan marks our first Tory MP on this list. That’s quite something, when you think about it. I’d imagine that when Twitter was launched, few expected many of them to be hanging around, and that’s a shame, because it could’ve been a pretty good argument to persuade them to can the whole idea before it got past the fag-packet stage.
I’m not saying that you “have” to like 50 Cent. What I am saying is that, if you enjoy rap as a commercial artform, then it’s hard to name a musician with more classic chart songs since… at least the mid 90s. “Life’s On The Line”, “Many Men (Wish Death)”, “I Get Money”, “Hate It Or Love It”, “Poppin’ Them Thangs”, “How to Rob”… these are all enjoyable ways to fill up an iPod.
Yeah, we’re getting into the good stuff now. As you can tell from the decrease in frequency, we’re also getting into the ones that necessitate real research, going back through the archives to dig up the multitude of atrocities past committed by our targets. In theory, at least. In reality, I reckon I can do this one off the top of my head.
I cannot do this entry justice. I’m paralysed by choice here. You are asking me to, in the space of a blog post most people could read during their morning coffee break, to explain every single thing wrong with Piers Morgan on Twitter? It’s like being tasked with producing a 500-word précis of Toynbee’s “A Study of History”. We are only going to scratch the surface of a man here who deserves severe lacerations.
D’you remember, around the time of the Greek and French elections, all the boasts from our media set when the silly foreigners voted in droves for fascists? It couldn’t happen here, how different to our country where we’ve rejected the BNP, the British appetite for democracy cannot be quenched no matter the circumstances. You name the position, there was an op-ed on Comment is Free about it, unless it was anything other than mindless optimism.
Dawn Porter used to write for Stylist magazine. She also tweets like someone who used to write for Stylist magazine. There you go, that’s it, that’s the entry.
It is the great question of our age as to which group of people are the most persecuted, vilified, and oppressed in our society. Some people say it’s Christians. Some people say it’s indigenous white people. Some people say it’s heterosexuals, and some people say it’s all of the above. Dawkins knows, though. It’s atheists.
Charlie Brooker is a man who has gotten undeservedly wealthy through criticising what he does not understand. He got paid a good wage to pass comment on TV, a medium he himself clearly doesn’t understand or have any insight into. Evidence? Let’s run through his CV as a comedy writer: The 11 O’Clock Show (as in “Daisy Donovan says ‘pearl necklace’ to an MP and then Iain Lee pulls a face), the “Paedophilia” episode of Brass Eye (terrible, directly responsible for Mock the Week), Spoons (apparently this was a different TV show to Blunder?) and Nathan Barley (Channel 4’s answer to Celebrity Wrestling).
Before we break down the man, let’s break down the chronology. Around 2003, “roleplaying” accounts were big on LiveJournal. Kissless 15 year olds set up profiles pretending to be the coffee advert guy from Buffy, or the chick that was in Date Movie from Buffy, and sublimate all their nascent teen emotions into portraying that character online. Then Twitter came along, and one of the early cross-media deals was “people roleplaying Mad Men characters”, which was good for the occasional broadsheet culture section article. As Marx famously said, however, history occurs the first time as tragedy, the second as farce, the third as lads bantering. Welcome to the world of soap opera roleplaying accounts.