There comes a time in your life when you wake up and just think, fuck it, Rap Game Pol Pot, and commit to an all-out attack on your own people. Then, however, I checked ‘followers you follow’ and it turns out most of you have stopped following this account. Used to have about 20 of you, now it’s only a handful, so good job guys, give yourselves a reach-around. We can now move onto other things in the interest of self-improvement, like making sure we aren’t responsible for shit like Ke$ha ever again.
Putting together a top 100 list is easy. There’s a formula. Think about a top 100 albums list. Number 100 is a marquee name to draw everyone in. The 90s are filled with recognisable entries, the 70s and 80s have some obscure picks, the 50s and 60s contain those whose reputation is either on the rise or on the fall. You get into the top 40 and you can start bringing out the big boys. We’ve done all that. We even had a wildcard entry with Sara Malm. And now is the time of the list where we go “Actually, “Stunt” by the Barenaked Ladies is one of the best albums of the 90s”. You’ll double-take, you’ll shake your head, but eventually you’ll agree: “It’s All Been Done” and “In The Car” are great singles and they both deserved more airplay.
I don’t really need to summarise Mof Gimmers, because he’s done it himself, when he applied to be the editor of the NME. I thought it summed the guy up pretty well, so here’s a point-by-point annotation of his application.
Footballers used to be gods. Superhumans. You’d see them at the supermarket, or drunkenly kicking an Asian student’s head in, and all you could do is stare at them in awe. They were once like you. They came from dirt, but they’d been blessed. Visited in the middle of the night by a superpower that meant they could play the people’s game. You didn’t look up to them per se, but you knew they were better than you. They might give you a wave if you requested it in song form, but everyone accepted they were on a higher plane in society. Then Twitter happened.
Within the next few days, The 100 Worst People on Twitter will break the 250,000 hit barrier. I’m as surprised as you are. While the weekday posts get all the bluster and drama, I’ve grown to live the weekend entries that much more. Monday to Friday is the guy at the house party who goes “Fuck it, I’m putting ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’ on”. The weekend drops are for the cratediggers, a celebration of Twitter assholes who are lesser known, who don’t exist in that overtrampled media landscape. People like @trendeh.
One of the most common accusations hurled in the direction of this blog is that we’re ‘looking for a book deal.’ It’s an odd one, frankly - this is after all an internet-based medium we’re discussing, heavily dependent upon links and so forth, and furthermore about 60% of the people on this list are journalists and editors. Not sure how that’s gonna exactly endear us to any publishers. We’ve criticised Guardian writers, Mirror writers, Times writers, Telegraph writers… wait, have we really not done the Sun? OK, Shaun Custis is a fucking idiot. Bridges fully burned, I thank you.
Well, that’s how you get hits, eh? Who knew that writing about Noel Fielding would be able to capture an audience that had a high ratio of Tumblr accounts ? Unfortunately, a lot of you who got on board due to that are gonna have to either sit this one out or pay close attention - can’t imagine the demographic crossover is too great here.
Noel Fielding is an easy man to dislike. His comedy output is bad. Barrett and Fielding are great networkers (which is why every 90s comedian you like has co-signed them), but The Mighty Boosh was shit, a three way crash of nu-whimsy, student lol randomness and a script summary of an episode of Q5 written by a guy who hadn’t watched the show for 15 years. However, being a bad comedian wouldn’t see a man get to number 38 on this list.
@ProfanitySwan, @IAmEnidColeslaw, @DMStyleGuide, @ThePoke… there’s a lot of accounts on this list that fancy themselves as comedians. When writing about them, one can’t help but be reminded of that EB White quote about how analysing comedy is a lot like dissecting a frog: they’re both very easy to do and great fun.
Sara Malm is one of the worst people on the list, but far from one of the worst people in the world. I know what you’re thinking - how does that work? Isn’t this list basically a list of the worst people in the world, given that we’re well aware the crimes of Tom Chivers outstrip that of any residents at The Hague? Well, yes, it is. But we gotta keep things fresh - can’t have a thousand entries all of the same thing, and terrible though Sara Malm is, she’s no worse than literally every other person taking an NCTJ course in Britain right now.