The 100 Worst People On Twitter

@iamenidcoleslaw

#IHateYourInterestsToo

People have been confusing “wanting to fuck someone” with “finding them funny” since time immemorial. Jack Whitehall, Noel Fielding, Norman Collier and Josh Widdecombe have all benefited from this. Even so, you really need to stop RTing the mediocre attempts at comedy by the many delightful solid 7s who populate Twitter. I know why you’re doing it, but you gotta stop. They’re not going to magically transport themselves through the internet and have sex with you.

@iamenidcoleslaw is absolutely terrible. I mean, imagine waking up in the morning and thinking “wow, I am somehow an even less funny version of Rob Delaney”. I’d just phone my parents up immediately and apologise to them, demanding I be cut out of their will for shaming the family name. Mary Charlene somehow finds the energy to push through unhindered by all of this.

You can very easily make your own @iamenidcoleslaw tweet up at home. Take something blandly female then counterpose it with something slightly gross. “I just got menses on my cookie dough”, “You ever masturbated with a pug?” Drop that line, sit back and wait for all the RTs from men thirstier than Evan Tanner to roll in. These RTs are clearly important to Mary Charlene, as she keeps her Favstar link in her Twitter bio. This is the adult version of taking all the merit slips you got at school and stapling them to your forehead.

This is the three worst forms of comedy blended together: “lol edgy”, “lol random” and “Am I right girls?” It’s like somebody wiped their arse with a Natalie Dee comic, going through most of these tweets. “it would be cool to travel back in time to have tea & crumpets with the Brontë sisters & maybe finger one of them”. 53 RTs, 175 favourites. Really? That’s where men are at as a gender now is it, condoning this kinda shit in the hope it’ll get them laid?

Let’s try an experiment, let’s transpose this tweet into the account of a random male. Let’s take Oldham Athletic midfielder James Wesolowski:

Now, do you really think that’d get 53 RTs and 175 favourites? Dude isn’t emotionally needy enough to link to his Favstar page on his bio, so I guess we’ll never know.

And she does what is literally my least favourite thing on Twitter and much beloved by every single shitty tryhard Twitter comic: “funny” messages to corporate brand accounts. “@WeightWatchers how many calories in a quart of tears?”, for instance. You get it a lot with people messaging video game accounts as well, because most of these Twitter comedians are the kind of repulsive manchildren who think it’s perfectly acceptable to own a games console past the age of 20.

But yeah, so they message these corporate accounts with something LOL RANDOM and the poor cunt who runs the social media account is forced to respond in a polite and dignified manner because that’s their job. Some intern probably earning nothing for the privilege is forced to smile and nod while being mocked by some shitty human being who probably has no greater ambitions in life than to be a scriptwriter for fucking Adult Swim. And that’s everything that’s wrong with Twitter and you’re a horrible person for perpetuating it.

Sample Tweets:

“Never judge a book by its penis”

“The amount of body glitter on a girl is directly related to the number of guys who have been inside her.”

“Good luck finding a Hallmark card that says “sorry I sneezed on your dick.”“