The 100 Worst People On Twitter

@noelfielding11

#TheMightyDouche

Noel Fielding is an easy man to dislike. His comedy output is bad. Barrett and Fielding are great networkers (which is why every 90s comedian you like has co-signed them), but The Mighty Boosh was shit, a three way crash of nu-whimsy, student lol randomness and a script summary of an episode of Q5 written by a guy who hadn’t watched the show for 15 years. However, being a bad comedian wouldn’t see a man get to number 38 on this list.

Most of us gave up watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks circa 2005, but if you’ve ever accidentally caught the repeats while skimming through Freeview… there’s an edge to Fielding. You don’t catch it at first, because it’s cloaked in so much “and then the glittery badger made a tambourine out of cheese” gimmickry. But the more you watch, the more you begin to feel that perhaps he’s quite an unpleasant person. He’s a man who likes to think, via his alt.ness and relative success (two-time Big Fat Quiz of the Year panellist), that he’s above other people. That we’re all grey plebeians, and he’s the glam patrician here to laugh at our pathetic ways. There’s an episode of NMTB where he’s on the same team as Paloma Faith. Imagine the self-satisfaction contained in just a few square feet, there. I can hear Tom Lehrer singing “unlike the rest of you squares” every time I picture it.

And that’s the great thing about Twitter, it allows people’s real personalities, that may only have shimmered before, to shine brightly.

At the end of March this year, the art critic Waldemar Januszczak wrote a negative review of Noel Fielding’s interview with Damien Hirst on Channel 4, a sentence that has at least three things to facepalm about in it. Fielding responded by tweeting the following three messages in rapid succession:

• yesterday Times art critic Waldemar januszczak Layed into me on twitter because channel four asked me to interview Damien Hirst x
• I thought it would be fun if me and all my followers went onto his Twitter and insulted him. Just to be childish . x
• Teach the horrible snob a lesson x Whose with me? X X X X Fly my beauties fly X X x Ha Ha ha ha x Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha this is gonna be brilliant x x x x x

Those “x”s really are quite annoying, huh? Anyway, so as you’d expect from Fielding’s fanbase of 13-year-old girls, they then descended en masse to attack this Januszczak brer, by light-heartedly calling him a “paedophile rapist”. Fielding’s response to this stream of invective was “Ha Ha Ha ha this is a Frankenstein moment. Oh well he shouldnt have been so mean . He was rude as toast x”. Heh, “rude as toast”, I can see why this guy has a career.

Anyway, so that’s just a minor thing, shook artists sending their fanbase to attack published critics has existed ever since Queen Mary wrote on a scroll to Melody Maker asking “was your scribe even at the same Thomas Tallis recital as me?”

But the other day, Fielding was on some ebony and ivory shit on Twitter noticing that people around the world are all the same, and if you disagreed you must be “retarded”. Twitter user @MissSpidey “did the right thing” and said that it’s an offensive word to use. Fielding’s response to this was “go back to school you dumb fuck” and tell her that she had a big nose, was old and ugly. He then sent his followers, yet again, out to attack anyone who dared argue with him.

Setting the wolves out to savage a critic, while lame, is one thing. Getting them to go ham on a member of the public, who hasn’t even attacked you, is a whole level of terrible. @rvzilly, who lists her interests as “Mighty Boosh, Kasabian and Richard Ayoade”, threatened to decapitate @MissSpidey. Worse was sent.

Fielding only bothered to show any remorse for sending his followers to bully a woman off the internet after The Sun ran an article on the story.

Noel Fielding is a terrible, terrible human being, perhaps one of the most repugnant, on a personal level, on this whole list. He legitimises bullying yet doesn’t have the wit or the gumption to do it himself. He is nearly 40 and uses phrases like “rude as toast”. The sooner he’s reduced to his inevitably standing in five years time, when he and Barrett are doing The Mighty Boosh tours of student nightclubs to ever-decreasing audiences, the happier we’ll all be.

Sample Tweets:

“help me mummy. I hurt my imagination on the side of the coffee table ! Boing x”

“i am marrying a rice crispy tomorrow in the same church as William in moth heel stack boots x”