Footballers used to be gods. Superhumans. You’d see them at the supermarket, or drunkenly kicking an Asian student’s head in, and all you could do is stare at them in awe. They were once like you. They came from dirt, but they’d been blessed. Visited in the middle of the night by a superpower that meant they could play the people’s game. You didn’t look up to them per se, but you knew they were better than you. They might give you a wave if you requested it in song form, but everyone accepted they were on a higher plane in society. Then Twitter happened.
Footballers are, by design, stupid. Any successful footballer, or Arsenal reserve midfielder, will have given up on mainstream education at around 14 and been removed from the real world at that point. There’s a concierge service for Premier League footballers that comes round and does all the things that a professional footballer these days simply doesn’t know how to do: iron a shirt, wire a plug, ask for a woman’s consent before they start fucking her.
We know all this, but we still want to believe in footballers. Twitter means I can’t any more. Twitter means footballers now wave their willful stupidity in my face at every opportunity, like being woken up by the thwack of testicles upon forehead.
Emmanuel Frimpong has done many specific things wrong over Twitter. He was fined £6,000 for referring to a Spurs fan as “yid scum”. He posted a picture of a murdered black guy, brains strewn across the street like dropped candy floss, with the caption “this is what they did to some1 in africa for stealing”. He’s a man who doesn’t really have a filter as to what’s acceptable when you’re the representative of a worldwide footballing brand.
However, it’s not so much Frimpong himself but the fact that Frimpong exemplifies the modern idiot footballer that sees him on his list. Everything he does is being copied by hundreds of lower league footballers who seem him as some sort of social media guru. He has his own catchphrases (or, at least, catchphrases borrowed from his cousin), “dench” and “leave it, yeah”. He repeatedly plugs his own merch, seemingly designed by a kid who dropped out of his Art & Design BTEC after two weeks. And he loves his saccharine “inspirational” bullshit as well.
While we were writing this entry, our boy tweeted the following: “A woman’s LOYALTY is tested when her man has nothing. A mans LOYALTY is tested when he has Everything.” Now, ignoring the fact that doesn’t actually mean anything, this is a tweet that had been doing the Twitter rounds for at least two weeks prior, first originating in the account of @Army_Chick92. What’s especially odd is that Frimpong kept the incorrect grammar in but edited it so the words “loyalty” were in capital letters. I hope you feel suitably inspired by that.
Look, Arsenal fans get a load of (deserved) stick online, and there’s a solid argument that the Arsenal youth academy’s output over the past few years has resembled Lisa Simpson’s copy of Non-Threatening Boys Magazine. So I understand why Emmanuel Frimpong has been taken as a cult hero by some people. But when you thrust that much fame and attention on someone who not only doesn’t deserve it, but wouldn’t know what to do with it even if he did? The man is now more gassed up than Piper Alpha. Why don’t you tweet a picture of the aftermath of that to your followers, Emmanuel?
"I hope people read way fat Morgan is saying wen I start being rude don’t tweet me saying Frimpong is disrespectful and rude.KMT"
"What is superbowl?? Isit some sort of special cereal Bowl or something???"