It’s about time The 100 Worst checked its privilege. How many AOCs (assholes of colour) have we had on the list so far? Joe Budden, The Rock, MJ Illest, BonsaiSky, Dr Eoin Clarke and KSIOlajidebt. A pitiful six. We’ve spent more time criticising saltines than a chowder blog. We’ve focussed on the White Twitter Elite so much that we’ve neglected Black Twitter. So let’s make a play for equality today. Let’s look at the nadir of Black Twitter. Let’s look at @ThelIluminati.
We’ve already examined British lad culture once or twice on these pages, but you may be wondering: What do our American cousins have in it’s place? Well, they have something quite similar, but as you’d expect, there are a multitude of social and cultural distinctions to be made, which make it very complex to analyse. Here’s how you do it.
On Monday we had Snapes. Today we have Snape. Turbo B must be bricking it in anticipation of Friday.
Look, when it comes to high culture, England doesn’t produce much. There are no great English symphonies or operas, few great works of literature, hardly any paintings or statues of any description, and even the architecture leaves a lot to be desired. I mean, William Blake is one of England’s best painters AND writers. That doesn’t automatically make him a genius, it just means that there should be alarm bells going off somewhere, like if your club’s best left-back was also your best goalkeeper. In the late 90s, Dwight Yorke was Trinidad and Tobago’s best player in every position, but that said more about the team than the man.
We need to talk about Guy Fawkes masks. I might be speaking from a position of some bias when I caution against glorifying a man who planned an ethnic cleansing of London’s Scots, but I think I speak for a wider demographic when I say that any ‘WE ARE THE 99%’ types donning the mask aren’t, in fact, coming across as edgy and dangerous, but in fact smack of “haha, V for Vendetta was cool, yeah. Welp, fuck the police or something, also let Julian Assange out. Having sex with a girl without a condom or her consent isn’t REAL rape.” Old Holborn, however, can’t even aspire to that.
Sure there’s the English Defence League, and child sex abuse rings in West Yorkshire, but the majority of sensible people will agree on what the most malignant presence in the UK currently is: Innocent Smoothies. For a company that was set up solely to charge people £4 for two bananas and a kumquat clumsily blended together, they’ve somehow completely changed how marketing is done in this country. Every piece of packaging you pick up nowadays has something like “Big thanky-thanks for buying this mega fun coping saw from Wickes! Now here’s a piccy of an otter wearing a bowler hat!” written on the underneath of it.
To many of you, the tale of @GhettoHikes is old news. That’s because you spend all of your time looking for something to get angry about on the internet. You can play the back for this entry. For the rest of you, here’s something you won’t get that often on this blog: a heart-warming story. A heart-warming story about the rise and fall of a racist sack of shit.
Of all the criticism that’s been levelled at this blog since it began, the strangest was also the most accurate - yes, somebody accused us of having “prejudice towards the middle-classes.” I say accurate, but as with our entrants, T100WPOT is a broad church, and our opinions on those with gin, tea, or “RTs not necessarily endorsements” in their Twitter bios range right across the wide and righteous spectrum from gas chamber to struggle session. Despite all that, you’re right - we have been hitting too hard on that same note. So here’s our entry on Rufus Hound, of the £8,270-a-term Frensham Heights, or to give him his birth name, Robert James Blair Simpson.
80s babies have a right to be confused. Firstly, we lived through the 1990s in its entirety. And now we’re living through people born in 1991 trying to tell us what the decade was actually like. I was born in 1982. What I remember about the 1990s is the near permanent fear of being blown up in an IRA bomb attack every time you stepped into a major city and Peak Practice. Apparently my memory is faulty. From what 90s nostalgia tells me we all went around dressed like Kelly Kapowski with Tamogotchi backpacks listening to nothing but “Informer” on our Sony Discman and playing Sonic 2 on our Gameboy.
So we’re on to entry number seven already, surely it’s time to dip into the postbag? Two main questions come up over and over again from the thousands who’ve already tuned into The 100 Worst People on Twitter. Firstly, when are we getting around to @FourFourTom? Well, he’s going to be a minimum of top 30, probably higher if he stages another fake internet retirement. Secondly, what about those awful “parody” accounts that do nothing parodical and solely parrot bland Chicken Soup for the Soul generalities as an excuse to sell sponsored tweets, existing just because dumb American children are confused into thinking they’re following a real celebrity? Yeah, we hate them as well. Here’s the lowest of that breed.