I was raised on a music journalist content farm. So here is a 200-word history of Lethal Bizzle’s career. He begun as one of More Fire Crew, a male version of The Faders: all invigorating youthful energy and a total lack of any competence. He then recorded “Pow!”. This was meant to be the musical summation of the social tensions and unrest that existed in the mid-2000s, but now stands a lot less evocative of the sound of 2004 than, say, “Put ‘em High” by Stonebridge. He had a shot at a pop career after this, which saw him flip the same Spinners sample that Abs from 5ive had used on his debut album three years prior, and somehow made a shittier stab at it. Then came grindie and a period of time where he was the token black man for hire for some of the worst guitar bands of the 2000s: Babyshambles, The Rakes, yourcodenameis:milo. He went on to play the Download festival, for some reason, before returning to the bosom of Channel U. What I’m saying is that, throughout every single musical nadir of the past decade, Lethal Bizzle has been present. He’s like the Zelig of crap.
I cannot do this entry justice. I’m paralysed by choice here. You are asking me to, in the space of a blog post most people could read during their morning coffee break, to explain every single thing wrong with Piers Morgan on Twitter? It’s like being tasked with producing a 500-word précis of Toynbee’s “A Study of History”. We are only going to scratch the surface of a man here who deserves severe lacerations.
Before we break down the man, let’s break down the chronology. Around 2003, “roleplaying” accounts were big on LiveJournal. Kissless 15 year olds set up profiles pretending to be the coffee advert guy from Buffy, or the chick that was in Date Movie from Buffy, and sublimate all their nascent teen emotions into portraying that character online. Then Twitter came along, and one of the early cross-media deals was “people roleplaying Mad Men characters”, which was good for the occasional broadsheet culture section article. As Marx famously said, however, history occurs the first time as tragedy, the second as farce, the third as lads bantering. Welcome to the world of soap opera roleplaying accounts.
Footballers used to be gods. Superhumans. You’d see them at the supermarket, or drunkenly kicking an Asian student’s head in, and all you could do is stare at them in awe. They were once like you. They came from dirt, but they’d been blessed. Visited in the middle of the night by a superpower that meant they could play the people’s game. You didn’t look up to them per se, but you knew they were better than you. They might give you a wave if you requested it in song form, but everyone accepted they were on a higher plane in society. Then Twitter happened.
Well, that’s how you get hits, eh? Who knew that writing about Noel Fielding would be able to capture an audience that had a high ratio of Tumblr accounts ? Unfortunately, a lot of you who got on board due to that are gonna have to either sit this one out or pay close attention - can’t imagine the demographic crossover is too great here.
We could never do a follow-up to this list called “The 100 Worst People on YouTube”. Where would you start? Every single professional YouTuber is a terrible human being. Edgy racist Pat Condell, widescreen HD-ready forehead-owner Ray William Johnson, that Geordie broad who does makeup tutorials despite the fact that she doesn’t know how to wash her own hair properly… if you can get through more than 30 seconds of any of these guys’ output without wishing sciatica on their entire family, then you’re a better man than me.
We’ve already examined British lad culture once or twice on these pages, but you may be wondering: What do our American cousins have in it’s place? Well, they have something quite similar, but as you’d expect, there are a multitude of social and cultural distinctions to be made, which make it very complex to analyse. Here’s how you do it.
It’s easy to forget this, but John Prescott was once second-in-command of this country. Whenever Blair was away doing his thing abroad, he was the man left in charge. You’d imagine, wouldn’t you, that the gap between Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister would be smaller than ending up with the former getting insanely rich jetting around the world as some sort of £5m-a-photo-op political evangelist, and the latter reduced to hanging out on Twitter giving it his best “Wahey lads, let’s have your best #ToryVegetables then, I’ll start with Baroness Parsley and Jacob Peas-Mogg” routine. But it ain’t.
We need to differentiate between lads and “lads”. The former come from places like St. Helens and Keighley. They’re rugby league fans, they do seasonal work on a building site and love nothing more of an evening than downing ten pints and kicking an Asian man’s head in. “Lads”, on the other hand, are all Arsenal fans from Sevenoaks. Called “Tim”. The difference between the two is effectively the difference between alleyway rapists and date rapists. And @lads_house clearly fit into the latter category.
“We get a Tory government. The rich get massively richer. And this is evidence of a stupid chancellor? He’s just acting in his class interest" - Rob Manuel
“What’s long and black? The unemployment line." - One of 38,476 jokes filed under ‘Racism - Black’ on Sickipedia, a site Rob Manuel owns and makes money from.