A lot of the people criticised here, especially as we’ve entered the upper tier, are placed because they represent something bad beyond their Twitter account. The insularity of the British media classes. The sinister creep of threatened masculinity. The banality of modern alternative culture. Being Grace Dent. @reverend_makers represents none of these. He represents himself. He represents a man who is really, really bad at using Twitter. And then gets him a top 15 berth. Inspirational…
Yeah, we’re getting into the good stuff now. As you can tell from the decrease in frequency, we’re also getting into the ones that necessitate real research, going back through the archives to dig up the multitude of atrocities past committed by our targets. In theory, at least. In reality, I reckon I can do this one off the top of my head.
It is the great question of our age as to which group of people are the most persecuted, vilified, and oppressed in our society. Some people say it’s Christians. Some people say it’s indigenous white people. Some people say it’s heterosexuals, and some people say it’s all of the above. Dawkins knows, though. It’s atheists.
Putting together a top 100 list is easy. There’s a formula. Think about a top 100 albums list. Number 100 is a marquee name to draw everyone in. The 90s are filled with recognisable entries, the 70s and 80s have some obscure picks, the 50s and 60s contain those whose reputation is either on the rise or on the fall. You get into the top 40 and you can start bringing out the big boys. We’ve done all that. We even had a wildcard entry with Sara Malm. And now is the time of the list where we go “Actually, “Stunt” by the Barenaked Ladies is one of the best albums of the 90s”. You’ll double-take, you’ll shake your head, but eventually you’ll agree: “It’s All Been Done” and “In The Car” are great singles and they both deserved more airplay.
Footballers used to be gods. Superhumans. You’d see them at the supermarket, or drunkenly kicking an Asian student’s head in, and all you could do is stare at them in awe. They were once like you. They came from dirt, but they’d been blessed. Visited in the middle of the night by a superpower that meant they could play the people’s game. You didn’t look up to them per se, but you knew they were better than you. They might give you a wave if you requested it in song form, but everyone accepted they were on a higher plane in society. Then Twitter happened.
Well, that’s how you get hits, eh? Who knew that writing about Noel Fielding would be able to capture an audience that had a high ratio of Tumblr accounts ? Unfortunately, a lot of you who got on board due to that are gonna have to either sit this one out or pay close attention - can’t imagine the demographic crossover is too great here.
Noel Fielding is an easy man to dislike. His comedy output is bad. Barrett and Fielding are great networkers (which is why every 90s comedian you like has co-signed them), but The Mighty Boosh was shit, a three way crash of nu-whimsy, student lol randomness and a script summary of an episode of Q5 written by a guy who hadn’t watched the show for 15 years. However, being a bad comedian wouldn’t see a man get to number 38 on this list.
When it came to writing this, and examining Joey B’s Twitter-based discrepancies, I couldn’t help but be struck between the similarity to him and an earlier entry, Joe Budden. The continued failures, the embarrassment, the leaping into any beef without a moment’s consideration. But is Joe Budden Rap Game Joey Barton, or is Joey Barton ‘Baller Game Joe Budden?
I was all for David Quantick getting on Twitter. I thought that if he typed all his messages, we’d never have to see him talk ever again. Watch him on those endless clip shows he turns up on to pay the bills. Stare at his mouth. His lips are both pursed and at an angle, like he’s trying to kiss someone standing three inches to his right. If he’s had some sort of minor stroke, I apologise. All I know is that I don’t enjoy seeing him speak.
If you’d told me back when I was 9 that Michael Owen’s career would end in a pretty embarrassing series of events, from sitting on the bench of St. James’ Park watching his team get relegated to the constant injuries and ineffectiveness, I’d have been delighted. I just didn’t expect him to be doing it in the fucking number 7 shirt at United.