The 100 Worst People On Twitter

@BrianKettle

#ThePotCallingTheWellYeahYouGetTheIdeaWithThatOne

When did you first realise that Liverpool FC were a racist club? Was it when the team had no qualms with defending a man accused and found guilty of racial abuse? Was it when the fans all rallied around the manager for it and booed the victim in the affair? Or was it when you noticed that one of the most popular Liverpool tweeters has a photo of noted Friend of Colonialism George Orwell as his avatar?

Now, we all know that football fandom is odd. It’s one of the few things where you can be prepared to excuse the most deranged, irrational lunacy in the full knowledge that it doesn’t mean the person in question isn’t entirely reasonable in every other area of life. You can make exceptions. I even know one Leeds United fan who seems to be a decent guy (Hello, Matthew.)

The problem with Brian Kettle, though is that he’s combined two reprehensible things with one another. Firstly, he has the psychopathic demeanour of a 606 caller, insisting every one of his club’s players is the best in the world in his position, and every defeat comes due to refereeing incompetence, or since this is Liverpool, conspiracy. Secondly, he has the quickfire obviousness of football banter accounts, mind compressing every day into organising names, situations, and clichés into a joke as soon as possible, fired out to get rabidly RTd by the same Liverpool fans and getting an occasional disquisition from an Indonesian United supporter if he’s lucky.

Individually, those can be forgiven, but together, the two form something quite horrible. There’s an old meme that springs to mind here, on ‘The Scouse Boom-Bust Cycle.’ For the uninitiated in football, it’s a good guide to the general mentality of Liverpool fans, but it doesn’t really work with Brian Kettle, who seems permanently stuck at the apex. If someone who knew nothing about football perused his feed, they’d immediately assume he supported a club which won every game and competition they ever took part in.

To go back to where we started, you can sense the throbbing paranoia and inferiority complex in the avatar. Much the same way as Frankie Boyle gave us a dark glimpse into his soul by showing with his display photo that he imagined himself as Malcolm X, we see that Brian imagines himself as a great crusader for truth and justice by virtue of his avatar of, as Eric Hobsbawm would say, the middle-class author Eric Blair. Unlike Frankie though, the image fits - held up by a clique of idiots to speak up for all that’s good and holy while devoting much of his time to defending a bunch of racists.

Sample Tweets

“Being called a bunch of twats by a member of the Chelsea team is like being told you smell by someone covered head to toe in shit.”

“Multiple injustices for #MUFC - not just the whistle being blown before midnight, but no penalties for any dives and a full game vs 11 men.”

“#LFC are a top-class goalscorer away from being a top-class team. John. Tom.”