The 100 Worst People On Twitter

@SoVeryBritish

#NationalCuntDisco

Ignore the bloodlines and heritages of this blog’s writers. Let’s go jus soli for a minute. The 100 Worst People on Twitter is a text that could only have been born in England. There’s a smallness of the soul unique to this land. The bloodright of Albion is pettiness, chemtrails of cynicism and pessimism pumped out by Bakers’ Oven and Budgens. Indeed, what is The 100 Worst other than an online version of that most English of pastimes, the ineffectual letter to the local newspaper about the county council? The English are inherently terrible as both a people and as a concept. If being English means that you’ve won the lottery of life, then the lottery winner in question is Michael Carroll.

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@touchlinedrama

#CockLobster

We’ve covered one frontier of the bellend spectrum of football punditry/fandom, so what lies at the other? To use a hideous phrase, (which, regrettably, I have some indirect responsibility for) ‘football hipsters’ reside at the other.

Had we not gone on a brief hiatus, we may have used this space for the archetype of the genre, Paul Sarahs, a self-parody of a commentator, embodying all the giddy paranoia of a stereotypical City fan but extending it towards world football - that’s world football, as in leagues you don’t watch, because you don’t, to use his catchphrase, “make a living from the game.”

But no. Something even greater loomed on the horizon - through association with FourFourTom, we discovered him. He didn’t seem like too much of an outrageous prick, by self-styled football pundit standards, but change was in the wind - we hadn’t realised his talent, but someone else had. A company with a few quid to spare with an impressive business pitch - “like Twitter, right, but for sport.”

So, Postinger got his own TV show, sitting in a plush studio and interviewing top guests. Well, his own internet show, sitting in a plush studio and interviewing top football guests. Well, his own internet show, sitting in what looks like a Wythenshawe comprehensive’s abandoned common room and interviewing top football guests. Well, his own internet show, sitting in a what looks like a Wythenshawe comprehensive’s abandoned common room and interviewing FourFourTom and a weirdly unfuckable Norwegian guy nobody’s ever heard of.

Postinger has a remarkably easy gig in not coming across as an idiot when FourFourTom is beside him, and yet he somehow fails to manage it. Alone, he’s even worse. Look at the pauses. The “oh, hello, I didn’t see you there” intro. The actual things he’s saying. The face. The hair. The accent. The spelling of ‘Nik.’ The clothes. I mean, I was planning to keep repeating one of these, classic bit of flair writing, but there’s already too many to list.

This blog has had many highs in it’s short lifespan, but our personal favourite was when we couldn’t quite call Rhodri Marsden out as massively creepy towards women, but our readers did the job for us, as comments poured in from women citing his lecherousness. We were expecting the same deal with Rob Delaney, but it hasn’t quite happened. With Postinger though, the stakes are high. Why? Because he has a long (but now deleted) history of using advance PUA terminology.

So, a guy who has “trilingual” as the first word in his bio, along with the phrase “the beautiful game” has a hard time picking up women, surprisingly. That’s fine, plenty of people do. I mean, not everyone decides to embark into membership of a gigantic rape-cult as a means of getting around that, but could he really be that insecure? Oh….

Sample Tweets

“Bielsa is a philosopher in a field that’s been invaded by businessmen and billionaires. Sadly, you’re more interested in Suárez soundbites.”

“Just bet @Haugstad1006 that Balotelli will outscore Higuaín next season—That triple Disaronno is gonna taste so good. pic.twitter.com/O0WdDlHXJe”

“Chest pains telling me I probably work too much :-/”

@robdelaney

#temporailylazyandpermanentlytired

Could you do a 100 Worst equivalent for Reddit? Probably. There’d be two problems, though, Firstly, it’d involve having to go to Reddit in the first place. Secondly, there’s a major difference between Twitter and Reddit. Twitter fame is gained by producing content, Reddit fame is gained by reacting to it. It’s the OC vs copypasta debate that governs internet fads writ large. Reddit is a place where your entire status is based on image management, if your reputation is tarnished too much everything you say will be downvoted into the gutter. And one way people have come up with other managing their Reddit Karma is through one of the worst cultural trends of the past decade: comedians self-meming themselves.

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@prodnose

#AuntieEstablishment

As so often happens in Britain, be it politics, war, or football punditry, it’s the grunts who take the bulk of the punishment while the commanding officers get off scot-free. Whether it’s an imperial throwback or just the nature of power, there’s no denying that it’s been one of the more sinister components of your, ehm, culture, for some time.

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@reverend_makers

#MercifyRev

A lot of the people criticised here, especially as we’ve entered the upper tier, are placed because they represent something bad beyond their Twitter account. The insularity of the British media classes. The sinister creep of threatened masculinity. The banality of modern alternative culture. Being Grace Dent. @reverend_makers represents none of these. He represents himself. He represents a man who is really, really bad at using Twitter. And then gets him a top 15 berth. Inspirational…

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@Sunny_Hundal

#SunnyListen

This is an odd time to be a left-leaning member of the commentariat, because almost everything said will be of no importance or relevance at all. You’d think, given the situation, that if not a working understanding of the global financial crisis, then at least an acceptance that it’s happening, would be a prerequisite to be paid to post your opinions, but no.

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@ThelIluminati

#ISawTheLight

It’s about time The 100 Worst checked its privilege. How many AOCs (assholes of colour) have we had on the list so far? Joe Budden, The Rock, MJ Illest, BonsaiSky, Dr Eoin Clarke and KSIOlajidebt. A pitiful six. We’ve spent more time criticising saltines than a chowder blog. We’ve focussed on the White Twitter Elite so much that we’ve neglected Black Twitter. So let’s make a play for equality today. Let’s look at the nadir of Black Twitter. Let’s look at @ThelIluminati.

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@AlaindeBotton

#AdBOut

You know those accounts, the Will Smith parody accounts or the Notebook, endlessly tweeting the self-help slogans and the “never give up on your dreams” gruel? The ones that take up the part of Twitter that isn’t comprised of football ‘banter’ retweets and “that awkward moment when you thought they were talking about the man of the same name who sings in that band” tweets whenever a Mossad informant who shares a letter in his name with a member of one direction gets killed.

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@RealDMitchell

#FlagpoleTwitta

The obvious point to make with David Mitchell is that he, Webb, and commisioning editors made the mistake of thinking that being able to memorise some words on a piece of paper and repeat them, sometimes while pretending to do things, meant that was enough to make you destined for greatness in the field of writing, because the words they read happened to be funny. Thusly, a terrible plague was set upon us. Yet that doesn’t tell the whole tale.

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@BrianKettle

#ThePotCallingTheWellYeahYouGetTheIdeaWithThatOne

When did you first realise that Liverpool FC were a racist club? Was it when the team had no qualms with defending a man accused and found guilty of racial abuse? Was it when the fans all rallied around the manager for it and booed the victim in the affair? Or was it when you noticed that one of the most popular Liverpool tweeters has a photo of noted Friend of Colonialism George Orwell as his avatar?

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